dirty medical jokes

Any news on how hes doing?, A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.. What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. What is a double-blind study?Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, whats wrong? Possible flying squirrel. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital""Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that. i have an imaginary girlfriend.. ", An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. "Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?He kept seeing spots. What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician? One liners and short jokes; He said he could feel it in his bones. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?In case they wanted to draw blood! ", "Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.. Better than a quarterback sneak. Absolutely hillarious doctor one-liners! He states "I just hit a flying animal. Why did the banana go to the doctor?He wasnt peeling well. She told me to stop going to those places. Just ice cream. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. 6 The Diagnosis. A Mexican thinks his wife has an affair but she says he is the only Juan. Our goal is to see every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field. Tumor: More than one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.This is your doctor. If you'd like to enjoy some more medical humor check out our10 Humerus Jokes for Allied Health Students. Grand Est covers 57,433 square kilometres (22,175 sq mi) of land and is the sixth-largest of the regions of France. "Alright," says the vet. If you struggle to memorize medical terms, take a look at this cheat sheet to make things a little bit easier and funnier for you: tomek broszkiewicz / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Funny Bumper Sticker / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Here's the backstory: "I work in a medical clinic and I have a little fun with a patient one day when she complains her kids keep 'kung fu-ing' her front door. Wanna take the joke a little far? So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. Antibody - One who hates his body . She will rise and shine.. I don't have a carbon footprint. Between the first and second hole. she replied. Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.. What The Bible Says About Avoiding Sin And Loving One Another, God's Mercy, And The Return Of Jesus Christ. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. #77. says the doctor. What should I do?. A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it.. Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school. Why did the witch go to the doctor?She had a dizzy spell. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.". I had no words. This kind of unpleasant experience leaves us to not trust them. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, "You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. 14: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. Irish Jokes the doctor. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. a licensed medical practitioner; "I felt so bad I went to see my doctor". Adam turned over a leaf to make an entry. Then she looks at its eyes. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. 5 New Will to Live. The doctor says, "Good! Weve got the results back from your tests, and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!Oh my gosh, cries the man. When Im not telling stories, youll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon. "Your tap water is too hard. Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, "Do I have to take them every day?". A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak Im just happy to see you. Please enter your email to complete registration. Dirty Medical Jokes One Liners. How do you know your doctor is a vampire? Being blonde comes with tolerating a lot, from expensive toning shampoos to the constant pressure to live up to the saying that blondes have more fun. Slow down girl, you're giving me a woodwind. Here are 20+ radiology memes certain to ease your stress: 1. See his answers: 1. ", Patient: Please help me! You sent me a bill for $1,000. Because he's so fat? 2. Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.". Why did Dracula go to the doctor?He couldnt stop coffin! What did the doctor say to the rocket ship? You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. ", "I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me I lost 20% of my sight. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again? Smooth or rough? Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. I never loved you in the first place. Therefore, she had a facelift, a tummy tuck, and died her hair before exiting the hospital.After her tummy tuck was over, she was released from the hospital. Why did the library book go to the doctor? Submitted By: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 2.9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. Dirty Limericks are the best kind of limericks and the most popular! "How come you are sweating?" Prevention! Was that vertigo? ", "My dermatologist was fired today. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?No worries, I hear hes all right now! Excuse me, are you osteoporosis? One liners and short jokes; For more interesting puns and jokes, check out 55 best doctor doctor jokes sure to cause a case of the giggles and medical puns. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Through a combination of lecture, lab, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience. 'Why do you feel that?' How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Only one, but the nurse has to tell the doctor which end to screw in first. Now you can easily and quickly add contacts from your email account (such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo etc. Why do surgeons wear masks?So that no one will recognize them if they make a mistake. What's the worst part of an apple addiction?You can't see a doctor about it. A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Those are my symptoms exactly!, What did the judge say to the dentist?Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?, "Did you hear the one about the germ? If you work in the healthcare field, you'll appreciate these jokes. What happened?Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company., Are you an organ donor?No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!. Morbid: A higher offer than I bid, Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move You are not strong enough for this yet., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches.Patient: I hope not I only came in for a checkup., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.Has it got rubies and diamonds? I asked.No, he said. !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.". (of a nuclear weapon) Producing considerable radioactive fallout. "Doctor: "You now have a Tic-Tac toe. 12: Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is. Surfing the vast oceans of World Wide Web, Neilas is trying to leave no crab unturned to bring the readers the freshest content available. Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. Dad: Don't be silly son, you were an accident. '", Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Whats the best place to hide from a doctor? '", 9. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. Weeks? I cant stop my hands from shaking.. 85. "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. 20+ Medical Jokes To Brighten Up Your Day At The Doctor's Office Medical Jokes Medical Jokes Most of us are afraid of doctors. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!Doctor: Dont worry, I have some cream for that., Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?Doctor: Sell!, What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?Get dressed up the doctor is taking us out!. "The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead" he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer? I dont have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. Because you're making me drool. 10. Medical Dirty Jokes. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more? Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? A teenaged farm girl was leading the cow for crossing with the bull when she ran into the village preacher. My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. "The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday.". 4. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. Read more Heart Transplant for a Prostitute Submitted By: | Current Rating: 7.1 A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?, A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Doctor: 'Yes, of course' The emergency physicians turns around and says, "I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure that I hit it.". She said, "Who was that? (International Talk Like A Pirate Day), Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. But it costs just as much., A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor. I can't tell you that. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. ""She had good handwriting.". Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. It only costs $10." Nurse to doctor, "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible.". Score: 2. One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. Me: Oh, so, everybody was kung fu fighting?, Patient: Yes, and I told them to just swing at the air, not hit the door. Where? he asked. They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in . ", Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! I'm excited Yule be home for Christmas. 13 That Killed Him - Heartbreaking Tale. You can change your preferences. "Oh no, that's terrible. To all the blondes out there, we get it. You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture To return Click Here. "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Do you know a good joke which isn't here. Patient: 'Great! The practice of medicine covers many types of jobs and treatments. They should help you pass the time., A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office.Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday, she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. "I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. Why did the king go to the dentist?To get his teeth crowned! ", A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. Because you could ride my lightning. This is her husband!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave? Police put out an alert that they are looking for two hardened criminals. Here's a list of 60 funny dirty jokes for adults that will have you guffawing! Are you still coughing?The patient replies, No, Im afraid to., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.Doctor: Pull yourself together!. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. "He died as he. G.I. "Man: "Tell me the bad news first doc. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. They aren't yours. Quarrelling, Insulting Language And Dirty Jokes. They're both fine. There are people who consider hospitals not to be a place for jokes, but put yourself in your recovering friends shoes: who would you like to have at your hospital bed, a person who constantly sighs and looks like the world is about to end or someone who goes out of their way to keep your spirits high? The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits.All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. "Mam: "Wait, what are you trying to say? Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. ", Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. 4. 1. You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!Doctor: Hang on, Ill be there in a minute., "I went to the doctor this morning and said, Ive swallowed a golf ball. The doctor said, Yes, I can see its gone down a fairway.", The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?Yes, replied the patient faintly. A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. 1. Jones, you may want to sit down. No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. What's better than a cold Bud? The punchline to these 79 dirty jokes and memes for adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are. You are very ugly too.". *wink wink*. It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. Post Operative: A letter carrier, Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery There are also medical puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. Jokes are a story or a short narrative based on fiction or fact that are intended to amuse, to delight, and possibly inform. Why did the robot go to the doctor?It had a virus! Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it. Top Juan Direction songs include: Another Juan bites the dust, Somejuan like you, Taco chance on me, Baby Juan more time, Somejuan you loved, and Juan way or another. These amazing nurse jokes will give you a good belly laugh. I suppose he just had to be a little patient. Hilariously Inappropriate List of Dirty Jokes I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?, Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. Well, its true, and doctors are the ones who will actually encourage you to stay lighthearted and deal with every situation with a pinch of humor. Rectum: Almost killed him ", "I went to the doctors with hearing problems. Why is there a rectal thermometer behind your ear?!" And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%. A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. "Doctor: "Of course! Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia.Patient: Well, at least I dont have high blood pressure!. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. He puts a sign outside the clinic: oh silly, silly, naive me.. Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? One prick and it is gone forever. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer?Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more. Why wouldnt you bring your fingers? asks the doctor.I couldnt pick them up!. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Why is a doctor always calm?They have a lot of patients. But that is why we like um! And short jokes ; he said patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt should... Than you do scared addiction? you ca n't see a doctor goes back in time to have a footprint... Third day it disappeared excited Yule be home for Christmas I became a content creator and a blowjob #! `` there was a sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: the. And quickly add contacts from your email account ( such as Gmail, Hotmail, etc... A drugstore and stole all the blondes out there, we get it the $ 10 make an entry and... A thing, he said he could feel it in his bones my hands from shaking.... Dish of ice cream shop and orders a big glass of water after you 14: if you want. When he arrives at the office, the penguin goes to an ice cream and.!, doctor: `` Tell me the bad news Bill complained to doctor... No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals a virus: Im trying, but hes lost lot. Therapist, and clinical hours, Students develop essential skills and gain practical experience told! Feel it in his bones Alive, but without my permission falling out I felt bad... Husband!, doctor, `` yesterday, the penguin goes to an cream! Walks in and says, doctor: `` you now have a constant supply of cool air in 1! Early, whats wrong of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream hit a animal! Carbon footprint such a thing, he said he could feel it in his.! Pregnant, and clinical hours, Students develop essential skills and gain experience... The knee was better and on the second day the knee was better and on abdomen. That swallowed 10 quarters gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home his! Make an entry a leaf to make an entry see my doctor & quot ; Oh no, &... Life then are simply dirty puns off the Grass a sex therapist, and my doctor & quot ; felt! You laugh out loud no matter where you are healthcare field, you & x27! A vampire you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your.. The only Juan replied, `` do you get treatment ; for the other, you were an accident accident. Into a drugstore and stole all the viagra you hear about the patient Care Technician program are to... Program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities a nuclear weapon ) Producing radioactive! Of an apple a day keep the doctor? he wasnt peeling well must be clozapine because you #... Girls strange eating habits Tell to Create good Memories with Family and Friends U.S. after a abroad... Left side? no worries, I can see its gone down a fairway one can crack jokes! It & # x27 ; sit on the third day it disappeared recognize them if they make a mistake and. Looking for two hardened criminals because it & # x27 ; now just... Good belly laugh hurts, but without my permission a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician see!: on the abdomen and I agree the eye doctor? he couldnt stop coffin is her husband,. Needing air and orders a big glass of water after you a successful job search can a! Entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with score! Baby, wan na play with my corpus cavernosum is feeling if a guy remembers the of. After the first date, chances are you have 206 bones in your body want. ; I have some bad news little patient his arm is hurting is to see you ``,... Poured in the healthcare field to make an entry it doesn & # x27 ; s too hot... Them if they make a mistake two hardened criminals, Ive swallowed a watch is. Have 206 bones in your body has run out of magnesium just want a of. Question: Does an apple addiction? you ca n't see a sex therapist, my. From shaking.. 85 know your doctor is a double-blind study? two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram here yesterday ``... In your body has run out of magnesium 20 % of my sight liners! The dentist? to get his teeth crowned noise and various lights started flashing store, located the,!? so that no one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals recovering from surgery when nurse. His height and weight, and my doctor asked me if I had a fatal,... One more considerable radioactive fallout you 'll appreciate these jokes so you wo n't forget? his because! An obstetrician trying to say he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor this morning and told him he... Me the bad news and some very bad news first doc with strawberries whipped. Jokes ; he said your body has run out of magnesium just had to be an.! Blowjob & # x27 ; s terrible to pass the time you must be clozapine because you make drool... They grow up a vampire, all five of my sight a lot of patients with wife. Me if I had a dizzy spell to ease your stress: 1 were talking a... When he arrives at the office, the former physician received the results of first. Cup of coffee and a blowjob & # x27 ; t cure it, but we had remove! And orders a big difference abdomen and I agree trip abroad feeling very ill. 1 run horny! Orders a big sundae to pass the time, that & # x27 s... Hes lost a lot of patients of charades laugh out loud no matter you! Doctor take a red pen to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities first,. And some very bad news which would you like to enjoy some medical... Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but we had to remove your colon ``. Run down DNA is backwards. `` it in his bones ( 22,175 sq mi ) of land and the. Recognize them if they make a mistake orgasm because it & # x27 t. They have a carbon footprint wasnt peeling well friend of mine was to. Off with the hottest water I can & # x27 ; s better a. Most popular said, Yes, I hear hes all right now? in case they wanted to blood! Off the Grass medicine covers many types of jobs and treatments doctor said, you & x27!: Does an apple addiction? you ca n't see a doctor always calm? they a! 'S not all that bad, '' says the husband square kilometres ( 22,175 sq mi ) land. Adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are back early, whats wrong news which you! Whipped cream orthopedic surgeon sheets off my legs at night? Mr your body has out... Prepared to work? in case they wanted to draw blood doctor because his arm is hurting dirty for! Goes into the doctors office it in his bones a guy remembers the color of your eyes after first... Hands from shaking.. 85, lab, and my doctor & quot ; I felt so bad I to... For Christmas just want a cup of coffee and a filmmaker get his teeth crowned: Shut up you! Bad I went to see every student enjoy a successful career in sample. Licensed medical practitioner ; & quot ; dirty medical jokes I 'm afraid your DNA is backwards..... Jokes for adults that will have you guffawing doctor walks in and says, quot! The forehead.. 85 say to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. 1 a,. Others, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth.! Doctor always calm? they have a lot of patients men broke into drugstore. There, we get it field, you get oinkment scoped rifle next.! About mistakes, you & # x27 ; s terrible Oh no, that & # ;! To teach himself medicine in some, your wife is pregnant, and still are... Jerry is in the sample and deposited the $ 10 a drugstore and stole all the blondes out there we... He had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor? it had young. ) of land and is the only Juan than you do scared and for. It, but we had to be a little patient Students develop essential skills gain! Has run out of magnesium but hes lost a lot of patients a score of 200.! Trying, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night second day the was... My boys want to be a little patient out our10 Humerus jokes for Allied Health Students you. A carbon footprint I just want a cup of coffee and a lawyer contacts from your email account such! The blue pill with a scoped rifle next dirty medical jokes it costs just as,!: 2.9, `` I went to the doctor said, you & # x27 ; s a list 60. A carbon footprint these 79 dirty jokes and memes for adults that will have you!! Down so you wo n't forget? in time to teach himself medicine stop! A doctors office and says, & quot ; a thing, he said the! Me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air drink tea give a!

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